Thida

This journal has moved

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 23:26:47 GMT

This journal has moved to waterowl I prefer the name Water Owl. I didn't know you could change usernames.

Why Little T was screaming yesterday aka another trip to the hospital

Fri, 27 May 2005 23:28:33 GMT

Little T started screaming again just now. That reminded me of last night, which I had put out of my mind. Last night we figured out at least one reason Little T was screaming yesterday. Castor checked Little T's Broviac dressing and a nasty red rash and some fluid was underneath. It looked like some vomit had somehow gotten under the dressing and his skin was irritated from the acid. Of course we didn't know that for sure, and Castor didn't want to remove the dressing in case it was an infection. So we called the Hematologist on call. He told us to take him to the Day Hospital, which was open until 10. What a relief we didn't have to go to the ER, which would be $100 and is also a huge germ factory.

My mother's intuition was so sure that it was just vomit that I didn't even go with Castor, but instead stayed home with Special K so she could sleep. Of course she didn't sleep very well, and is very tired now. And it was just vomit. Though the vomit left on his skin must have been very painful. When he vomits on my skin, I have to wash it off right away or it burns terribly. And I don't have baby skin. Sweet easying guy that is, Little T wasn't screaming all the time, just now and then and he was soothed by his binky.

Anyway I checked his Broviac just now and it was fine. So there's another reason he screamed just now. Looks like he's just tired and very frustrated he can't put his Binky in his mouth himself.

I enjoy being a girl!

Fri, 27 May 2005 22:36:01 GMT

This morning I got my first ever pedicure with my friend Jenny and it was wonderful!!! Perhaps the best thing was I got to sit down for an hour and have someone look after my poor neglected feet. I put my aching feet into a warm whirling foot bath or foot spa. I got a warm yogurt massage of my legs and then a nice rub with hot stones. And after a toe trim, my toenails were painted a nice bright plum. For the first time in my life, my toes look beautiful. I keep looking down at my feet in amazement. Jenny says my toes look like candy. It made me feel more beautiful. I feel like I'm slowly emerging from the cocoon of Little T's pregnancy and constant visits to Lucile Packard. Now I have a new dream!! I have a dream that one day I'll be able to get a manicure. My disability is weird. It doesn't affect my lower body at all, so a pedicure was no problem, but I jerk too much to get a manicure. But someday I'll find the right drug, so I can!

Take one, give three

Thu, 26 May 2005 21:26:36 GMT

I just decided to reduce clutter in my life. Well the truth is I decided again. However this time I think I have a better system. Namely if I buy something that's going to stay in my house i.e. it's non-perishable, not immediately diposable like diapers or tp, and not a gift. I have to find three things to give away or put away until Little T gets older. When Little T gets older, I can bring those things out, but then I have to give away 3 baby things. I just had my first test today -- a trip to Target. And so far so good. It made me think about whether I really wanted or needed it, because I value my time more than money and it's a little bit of a pain to find three things. So I didn't buy some snack containers.

So here's what I bought and gave/put away:

a size 3 soccer ball for Special K to learn how to kick. She's going to a soccer class later this summer -

a wooden train she never plays with

an annoying Elmo car that ran out of its batteries

a sponge car she used to love, but now never plays with

a large water bottle with measuring lines and a wide mouth for mixing up Little T's formula -

a Haas water bottle with a hard straw that hurts my mouth

a KAWL plastic coffee holder with an opening in its lid so I can spill it if I jerk

a honey bear sippy cup that's incredibly annoying to clean

The irony is that as I was making up this list and feeling very pleased and proud of myself, a delivery man on behalf of Coram called to deliver -- yes you guessed it more stuff!! Well at least it's formula so I don't have to give away more stuff.

I don't know where to begin, so I'll start in the middle

Thu, 26 May 2005 17:43:52 GMT

It's been a while since I updated this. A lot has happened and much of it has been very difficult to deal with, let alone write about, but it's time now. Maybe I'll go back and write some post-dated entries. Maybe not. We'll see. So what's going on right now? I'm sitting in my family room while little T is trying to sleep. Periodically he wakes up and screams. He struggles to find his binky. One of his new tricks is putting it back in his mouth. Sometimes he can put his binky back. Sometimes I put his binky back. I'm really glad he can scream now. For months he had a sort of raspy dying man wheeze. Earlier I called his eye doctor and gave him the number of our pharmacy, so he can get different antibiotic eye ointment. His left eye's infected with staph due to a blocked tear duct, one of his more minor medical issues. He snores really loudly. Special K's at preschool.

And so it begins again

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 21:40:37 GMT

Well, it's not the new year by Western standards, but it is by many Pagan standards, because we just had the shortest day of the year. So the days will get longer and longer until the wheel of the year turns again.

Last night I went to Mary Anne's lovely cookbook party and she asked me if I was writing. Castor asks me this all the time. And I had to say no, not really, but I felt more sheepish with her. So I started to tell her what little I had been doing. And then my main reason to myself for not writing ran off and so I chased after her. And then I talked more about motherhood and not writing. And Mary Anne said that now she'd decided not to be a mother, she felt this pressure to be a better writer, because she couldn't say to herself well I'll always be a good mother.

And at the same time at this party, I received lots of validation that I was at least for those few hours a good mother, because Kerensa was at her most mellow and charming. She talked a lot for the first time to a bunch of people she didn't know, even saying her first 3 syllable word, octopus. Usually in front of strangers, she confines herself to a few monosyllables and I look like an idiot for saying she talks a lot, which she does when we're alone. She stayed up for hours past her bedtime and was clearly tired, but enjoying having her proper place as the centre of the universe confirmed. Today she's tired and somewhat fractious, and she cried because Daddy went away while I held her. But I still remember last night.

And as I snuggled in bed with her this morning. I realised that while I have my doubts about my ability to raise another human being to adulthood without damaging them too much in the process, I think every mother does and on the whole I feel good about it. And it's when I do feel good about myself that Kerensa is at her best.

And so I realised that I was afraid that I might in fact be a crappy writer. I might not write a wonderful novel. And while I do think that some of the creative energies used to nurture a child are the same as writing, I think I do have at least some room for both. So I decided today to write more by giving myself a small but achievable goal of writing something here everyday.

So here you go. Castor and Kerensa just got back, so I must go. See you tomorrow.

First time trying

Sun, 03 Aug 2003 20:15:17 GMT

Well, this was my first month TTC and charting, and boy was it a disappointment! My temps went up and stayed up for 18 days, I felt pregnant, and then I got AF! I think sperm met eggie, but it didn't stick. :^( Oh well, better then than later.

I offered flowers to Freya from the wedding we went to last week and prayed for a healthy baby at the right time. If you remember, Special K was a result of a prayer to Freya. I was kinda freaked out about it, and was considering taking this herb Vitex. I even took one dose yesterday. Castor said "Your cycle is fine. Don't mess with it." I didn't listen like I should have, but then I got this great tarot reading that basically told me to trust my gut and not to make any foolish moves.

Woo hoo! I'm amazed! Sometimes democracy really does work!!

Wed, 06 Nov 2002 19:24:59 GMT

For the first time in my life, I put a sign on my lawn endorsing a candidate. It was for City Council. He actually came to my door and talked to me and DH. He was canvassing our town on his bike. He seemed really well-informed, earnest and had some great ideas. But I didn't think he'd win, because he's new, definitely not part of the party machine, and he wouldn't accept contributions of over $100. But he actually got elected! I'm so excited!

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 20:43:58 GMT

Well Saturday came, the evening when Castor and I went out for a whole evening sans Special K for dinner and the aforementioned opera Abduction from the Seraglio. I tried to stay positive about it and push away the guilt and fear. I talked to Special K again that day. She seemed to listen. I gave her a goodbye breastfeed just before we left which seemed to make her happy. Though when Robin the babysitter arrived, SK protested a little when placed in her arms, but Robin allowed her to stand on her lap. We left and SK watched us go with a somber expression. We met my dad at a Cuban restaurant and went to the opera. I tried and mostly succeeded not to worry about SK. We had a lovely time.

We arrived home after 7 hours to a silent house. Silence is bliss in this case. Robin said SK only cried a little. SK believes in laughing and crying before bedtime, so this is normal. Robin looked calm and content. I was amazed and very relieved. I feel a great burden has been lifted from me. It's funny how little things like this can mean so much.

Fri, 01 Nov 2002 18:02:15 GMT

I had my first Halloween as a mother and it encapsulated the highs and lows of being a mother. We (K dressed as a pumpkin and I dressed as a witch) went to the local Senior Center at lunchtime to hand out candy. After a while, K woke up enough to be charming and smiling to one and all. We had a lovely time.

Then I locked Special K in the car with the windows closed. I have a black interior car and it was 68 degrees outside. I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. I have VW roadside assistance, but the number and everything else was locked in my car. Fortunately another mother happened to have a Passat so I got the number. I made the call, explained the situation and was told they'd come in 20 minutes. They said to call 911 if I needed to.

K was a bit perplexed and restless, but okay for all but the last few minutes. Just as she was sliding into full meltdown mode, the tow truck arrived. Perhaps knowing she was about to rescued and soothed by the rumble of the tow truck's engine, Special K fell asleep. The driver mumbled about not being able to break into Passats, while I said a silent prayer to Freya. And after a few agonising moments he jimmied the lock, setting off the car alarm. Special K started screaming and I took her out of the dreaded car seat. A few minutes later, Special K was smiling again.

My DH has been sick since Labour Day and I'm going insane.

Fri, 20 Sep 2002 18:12:35 GMT

My DH pushed himself hard at work to meet a deadline and afterwards he got sick. He finally went to the doctor on Tuesday and got some antibiotics. Every time he starts to get better. He has a relapse and gets worse again. I don't know how mothers with two kids do it. Normally I don't feel my DH is a kid, but right now I do. I have to keep making him go to bed.

I'm going insane. My DD is teething which makes her very fussy and demanding. Yesterday I got a plugged duct and it was sooo painful!! I soaked it in warm salt water and had DD BF from it a lot and it was feeling better. But then last night while BFing, DD started fussing a lot and thrashing around, and kicked and hit my very sore boob. I started crying because it hurt so bad. Then my DH got all grumpy about it, because he was trying to sleep.

Normally I go talk to my mama, but she's out of the country and not reachable.

Thu, 11 Apr 2002 00:37:34 GMT

I decided that I'll try to spare my child years of therapy and give him/her the nickname 'sweetpea' :)

I had mild contractions Monday morning through Tuesday night. They intensified when walking, but I was able to sleep through them Though my husband says I can sleep through almost anything. :) They were different than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I'd been having -- deeper inside and more like menstrual cramps. Still, I waited for some other sign (like my water breaking) to say 'this is it'. Today I woke up basically contraction-free and went for my weekly OB apt. I found out I'm only 50% effaced and less than a cm dilated.
My OB says that's normal for this stage of a first-time pregnancy, though the amount of contractions I've been having are unusual. So sweetpea is a big tease. :}

Bedrest due to "premature labour"

Thu, 04 Apr 2002 05:42:52 GMT

My OB told me that she wouldn't stop me if I went into labour after my last apt on 3/26. I thought my baby was listening, because that morning I threw up, and had mild contractions accompanied by trips to the bathroom. At my apt I told my OB about throwing up, but forgot to tell her about my diarrhea. She noticed the contractions at the time, but they were mild and I figured they were just Braxton-Hicks.

That night I went to the BMC Listerine dinner. I had a good time. :) It was fun to put some names to faces and see some other folks again.

The next morning, I was having regular contractions 10 mins apart lasting about a minute and I was in the bathroom every time. I thought this was rather unpleasant and a bit weird, but figured this was just my lot in life. However, my husband and mother weren't convinced, and my husband called the OB in the early afternoon. The OB told me to take Immodium and that stopped the bathroom trips, but not the contractions, so I was asked to come in at 4.

I went in and was strapped to fetal monitors that measured the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. The monitoring was not as uncomfortable as I thought it might be. My contractions were now 8 minutes apart, but still mild. The OB said they were mild enough that the baby's heartbeat didn't respond to them at all. My cervix was also not responding much. However my contractions were like clockwork. And I just had this feeling that it would take a long while, but if they continued, eventually I'd give birth. My OB left for a while, and didn't come back until some minutes later.

Again my baby seemed to be listening, because the very next contraction was stronger, came after 6 minutes instead of 8, and through the monitor, I could hear my baby's heartbeat rise with it. My OB returned and told me she got into an argument with the hospital, who said that my baby was still premature at 36 weeks 3 days and therefore my delivery would be considered high-risk. Furthermore they had a code red at the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) and if I came, they'd have to send me to another hospital. Well, the last thing I wanted was to give birth at a strange hospital, and have some perinatologist poking at my baby. I'm sure they save lots of babies' lives, but I'd rather not have them near my baby if I can help it.

My OB told me to go home and rest until Sunday, and to try and calm things down. So I went to bed, and after a while, things did seem to calm down until 11pm when the contractions and the bathroom trips started again. I had already taken the maximum dose of Immodium, and we didn't know what to do, so my husband called my OB again. She said to take another Immodium, but if that didn't work, not to take any more, because the medicine wasn't working. She also suggested that it might be viral. Well, that jogged the memory of my husband who suddenly remembered that his officemate had been sick with the stomach flu over the weekend. I wish he'd told me that earlier, but at least my body finally got the message. The next trip to the bathroom, I didn't have a contraction, but instead felt that very unpleasant gut-wrenching sensation that usually accompanies the stomach flu. I hadn't felt anything like it the entire time and I've never been happier to experience it!

So I stayed in bed through Monday morning; sick for a couple days and then just resting. Though others of his co-workers reported they got quite sick, my husband never had more than mild stomach pains, so he took good care of me. He brought me some books on tapes from the library, so I wasn't totally bored. I'm having mild contractions again, though not regular, so I suppose it's a good thing I stayed in bed.

Before all this happened, I was waffling between wanting the baby out, and wanting to wait until it's time. Now I'm willing to wait. I'm fairly certain I could start the whole process again by taking castor oil. And I would if it was that or induction, but my OB says she'd be willing to hold off induction until May 5 (42 weeks). That's a loong time from now. And letting my body putter along and slowly get things ready seems much more agreeable to me now.